The Lion Queen
by Tigerlord
Summary: A completely random and humorous story with no plotline and no sense whatsoever.
1. The Fiesta

**The Lion Queen**

**Chapter I: The Fiesta**

** Y**o-yo-yo, homey funk diggity G-dawg man. This is Scar da Gangstah, yo! I'm gonna tell you homeys out there 'bout da rockin' sockin' story o' craziness. It's called, "Da Lion Queen." Dig dat, homeys! Now, you gonna listen, and you gonna listen good. Now, you probably wonderin' why it's Da Lion _Queen_ instead of Da Lion _King_. Well, you gonna find out! Scar da Gangstah has now been permanently removed from the job of narrator due to too much lingo .

Now this story is really strange, so just pay attention!

"Simba, there's something I need to tell you," Mufasa's ghost said to him. "You are a girl, and your mate, Nala, is your sister."

"That…that's not possible. I know her mother, and her mother isn't Mom," Simba replied.

"Actually, Nala was adopted," Mufasa's ghost replied, "but for now, LET'S HAVE A MEXICAN FIESTA!"

"YEE-HAW!" Simba shouted. "I'll go around the Pridelands and round up some guests!"

So Simba, the Queen of the Pridelands, searched for some guests. But the land had changed a lot since he, or really _she_, left. First, he went to Rafiki's tree. But it was chopped down, and in its place was an oversized garage. In the distance, she saw a 489-wheeler truck heading for the garage. Simba ran over to it and found out Rafiki was driving the truck.

"Rafiki," Simba asked, "is that you?"

"Yep, that's me. I'm a trucker now. And soon, I'm gonna have a baby. A boy, or a girl, or whatever's in between."

"You're pregnant?" Simba asked.

"Yep."

"Did you realize you were a girl too?"

"Nope, I'm a boy, and a pregnant trucker."

"Do you want to come to a Mexican fiesta?"

"Okay," Rafiki replied.

After having one guest, Simba heard something coming. Just then, a rhinoceros cyborg with plasma-cannon-ultra-omega-laser-blasting-destructo-ultima-fire-shooting-serial-killer-nuclear-grenade-launching guns on its sides came up to him.

"_Hasta la vista_, baby!" it said.

And then, a meerhog (meercat/warthog mix) came with an ultimate dissolver ray and shot the rhino.

Amazed, and slightly disturbed, Simba asked, "Who are you?"

"Timumbaa," he replied. "I want to take you to see Daddy and Daddy. They've been dying to see you again."

"Daddy _and_ Daddy?" Simba questioned.

"Yeah, c'mon!"

Timumbaa took Simba to the place where Timon and Pumbaa lived.

"Guess what, Simba?" Timon said, "Pumbaa and I got married, and now we have kids!"

"How many?" Simba asked.

"482,456,123,947,411,919,562,099,230,146,853.6!" Pumbaa answered, "and they're all called Timumbaa!"

".6?" Simba asked.

"Yep," Timon said. "One of them didn't turn out right."

"That's…lovely," Simba replied. "Well, I have some shocking news too. I'm a girl, and Nala's my sister."

"You married your sister!" Timon and Pumbaa shouted in unison. "Congratulations! We never would have suspected it!"

"So, do you want to come to a fiesta we're having at Pride Rock?" Simba invited.

"We'd love to!" Timon, Pumbaa, and 10,000 Timumbaas shouted.

"Excellent!"

Then Simba dashed off to the outskirts of the Pridelands, in the elephant graveyard.

"Who wants to attend a fiesta?" Simba shouted at the hyena trio, who were now all married, drunk, hillbillies.

"Will there hic be lots o' beer?" Shenzi (the female hyena) said while retching up some vodka.

"Lots and lots of beer!" Simba shouted.

"YEE-HAW!" Shenzi replied. "Now you should go invite Scar! It ain't a party without Scar!"

I know that you know how Scar is different in this story, but read this part anyway! So, Simba went into the big elephant skull, which, for some reason, was wearing sunglasses and a Mohawk.

"Yo yo yo! Dis is Scar da Gangstah!" Scar said. And when he came out, Simba noticed that Scar was wearing a pair of sunglasses, a Mohawk, a gold chain necklace with a "$" medallion on it, knuckle rings with "BLING" and "BLING" written on them, a leather jacket, a skull tattoo, and a mane that looked like Elvis hair.

"You're Scar the Gangster?" Simba asked.

"Not Gangster, Gangstah!"

"Gangstah? You're Scar the Gangstah? What does gangstah mean, anyway?" Simba questioned.

"Gangstah is gangstah, yo!"

"I know, but _what_ is gangstah?"

"Get with da program, homey!" Scar da Gangstah replied. "Gangstah is gangstah! And I ain't Scar _the_ Gangstah, I'm Scar _da_ Gangstah! Man, you a lamo, ya lamo! Yo!"

"O…kay…" Simba said, "but getting to the point, do you want to come to a Mexican fiesta at Pride Rock?"

"Okay, ya lamo! Oh, and guess what, you a girl! Ha ha!"

"Yeah, I know…" she mumbled.

At the fiesta, everyone came, but then everyone left five seconds later due to boredom. "Wait, come back!" Simba shouted. But they didn't.

**Continued in**

**Chapter II**


	2. The Battle

**The Lion Queen**

**Chapter II: The Battle**

** A**fter everyone left the fiesta, a fleet of ninja pirates jumped on flying, explosive hamburgers. And they parachuted down to the ground. But when they landed, their hamburgers EXPLODED! But they didn't care, because they were pirates with ninja stuff. And then, they launched bologna rolls out of their cannons, because they didn't like bologna. And Simba was like, "Oh no! I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning!"

Just then, Mufasa's ghost comes up and says, "Simba, guess what! I'm a rapper now, yo!"

"Hey! You can't take my lingo, yo!" Scar shouted at Mufasa.

"Scar, is that you?" Simba said.

"Yes Simba, it is!" Scar replied.

"Oh, Scar!"

"Oh, Simba, will you marry me?" Scar proposed.

"Yes, yes I will!" Simba answered.

"Simba, you can't marry Scar!" Nala said.

"Why not? We're sisters, and before I knew that, I had already cheated on you!" Simba said. "Besides, do you really love me?"

"No, Zazu does!" Nala replies as Zazu walks in the room.

"Is it true, Zazu? Do you love me?" Simba asked.

"Yes, Simba. Will you marry me?"

"No, Simba's mine!" Scar said.

Then, Zazu called the fleet of ninja pirates to attack Scar. But then, Scar called on a fleet of rabid field mice riding hot dogs. The rabid mice and ninja pirates started to fight. And then, Scar and Zazu fused and became Scazu. And then Scazu said, "Simba, will you marry me?"

"Yes, yes I will!" Simba answered.

But just then, as Scazu and Simba were getting ready to get married, Kiara and Kovu plummeted down to the ground in a torpedo shell. They came out and fused together to become Kiarvu. Kiarvu saw Nala and started to make out with her. Seeing this, Mufasa's ghost rapped, "Yo name is Nala. You da 9th callah. Seein' you with Kiarvu makes me wanna hollah!"

"'You da 9th callah?' That doesn't make any sense!" Scazu said.

"So, yo?" Mufasa replied. "I don't care, you big ugly bear!"

Everyone groaned. But then, Timon committed suicide! He committed suicide to be with Mufasa. When he was up there, he started to make out with Mufasa. Then they had little spirit children and died happily ever after.

But this isn't the end of the story. Mufasa and Timon are just not in it anymore. Now, anyway. Suddenly, George W. Bush comes in. "All right, boys. This is the perfect place to launch a nuculer explosion."

"Uh, sir. It's pronounced _nuclear_," an assistant whispered in his ear.

"That's what I said, nuculer."

Then, the army of ninja pirates fired bologna rolls at Bush and his men. Then they dropped them off at the White House, which they painted purple. So now, it's the Purple House.

Then, Scazu and Kiarvu decided to abandon their fiancés to marry each other instead. So they did.

But then, Pumbaa felt sorry for Simba and Nala and married them both. But, eventually, everyone loved everyone else so everyone got married to each other. But then on came the Great Divorce. Everyone divorced and established their own countries. But then, Japan took over and forced them all to work in fondue factories! And then, they overthrew Japan. But then, George W. Bush came back into the story!

"All right, Lion King animals! I'm sending you all into the War in Iraq! Now move it! Move it! Move it!" Bush yelled.

"But we don't want to go!" someone cried.

"TOO BAD!" Bush boomed. And then a lightning bolt struck the person, and he flew into the next dimension.

But then, Bush exploded! And then, a mysterious, evil force came and took over Pride Rock!

It laughed and said, "I have taken Pride Rock! And now you will all be slaves to my might!"

"Never!" Scazu and Kiarvu shouted.

Then, Scazu, Kiarvu, Simba, Nala, and Pumbaa fused together. They became Sciarmbalazukobaa! And then, they took a trip to North Korea to stock up on powerful weapons they _knew_ they had!

But then, they realized it wasn't enough! To beat something that powerful, they had to get all of the nuclear explosions in the world. They got the explosions, but realized they needed an Ancient Chinese firecracker. So they all jumped on their time machine.

But their time machine was actually a time-traveling, radioactive milkshake! So, they went to Ancient China on their time-traveling, radioactive milkshake. And there, they found warriors. And the warriors turned into bears, volcanoes, and French fries. Sciarmbalazukobaa fought the bears, volcanoes, and French fries. But then, a guitar-playing donkey used its trombone to throw the moon! And then, it hit the warriors and Sciarmbalazukobaa got the firecracker and went home on their milkshake. But then, it turned out that they didn't need the firecracker, so a monkey ate it instead!

And then, they went back to Africa, where Pride Rock is. They went to the evil force and realized what it really was! It was the most horrifying, diabolical, destructive, and shrewd slime-bag ever to set foot on this earth! It was… it was… A LAWYER! And then it used its lawsuit of death on them, but it didn't work, because they didn't know what a lawsuit was! And then, Sciarmbalazukobaa used the nuclear explosions on it. And they won!

After the battle, Sciarmbalazukobaa turned back into Scar, Kiara, Simba, Nala, Zazu, Kovu, and Pumbaa. But then, Timon came back to life.

"Timon, you're alive!" his husband, Pumbaa, shouted.

"Of course I'm alive! I couldn't take Mufasa anymore! He cheated on me by marrying his own dad!"

"But how did you come back to life?" Simba asked?

"I jumped out of Heaven," Timon replied.

"I wanna try!" Simba exclaimed. And then he committed suicide.

"He ain't comin' back…" Timon said.

"Why not, yo?" Scar da Gangstah asked.

"He didn't have a lucky nickel."

**The End… Or is it?**


End file.
